I wish I could change. I wish that I could be stronger. I wish that I could be thinner. I wish I wish I wish. That seems to be a lot of what I am doing lately. Wishing.
I know that many things I want to change about myself are within my control, but I also know some aren't. I can't control my depression. When it hits, it hits. Last week was one such week. I was doing really great on my wishes, I had lost 6 pounds the previous three weeks, and I was doing great! I was watching what I was eating, and it was going well. Then depression hit. Or should I say, the depression overcame the medicine I am on to help curb my depression, and keep it hidden inside me.
Depression, when it comes like that, overtakes everything in my life. I have such a horrible time functioning and doing everyday things that I need to get done! Waking up, eating, sleeping, exercising, communicating, socializing. Everything becomes that much harder, and I always look for the easy way out. I hate it, but it is what happens. Instead of making lunch like I should, I run to the convenience store and buy shit to eat, not only because it is easier, but because that is comforting to me. That is what I grew up on, and that is what I crave and turn to when I am uncontrollably depressed.
Chronic depression, as I like to call it, never really goes away, but with medicine it can be controlled, but not all the time. Chronic depression can't be talked away. It is always there. Nothing I say or do will make it better. Talking about it won't make the hurt go away. Well-meaning people always say to me when I tell them my depression is really acting up, that they are there if I need to talk about it. If there is anything they can do let them know. Here is something people don't understand. When I tell them I am depressed, that is my way of asking for help. I don't need a text saying they are there if I need them. I need a phone call just telling me that they love me. Telling me about their day. I just need a distraction. I need personal contact, so I know they care. I had a friend last weekend that got that. He asked me if I was down, and I said yes. His next question was, am I coming over there or are you coming over here! He didn't ask me what was wrong. We just hung out and chatted. Not about anything special, but just talked. That is what I need. I just need a call just to say hi. It is more personal than a text, which I think we as a society use too much.
I also know that depression is my burden to bear. I can't depend on others to get me through it. I need to figure out a way to get through it myself. I also need to take a more aggressive approach when it is really strong. Rather than just saying in a text that my depression is really bad, I need to pick up the phone and call someone, but the problem is that when depression hits that hard, I already feel like I am burden, and I don't want to bother people. Sometimes I just want a hug, but I also know that people aren't huge fans of that either, and again, it is hard to do it myself. I want people to want to hug me when I get like that, so I feel cared for and loved. Again, depression plays with your mind! It makes you hate yourself, and it makes it hard to ask for what you need the most.
